'Mutton Movie'
Performed as part of BBC 7’s sketch show, ‘Tilt’, on Thursday 10th April, 2008.
GRAMS: DRAMATIC CINEMATIC MUSIC.
VOICEOVER: She was just an ordinary pig with an ordinary pig’s dreams.
PIG: All I want to do is build houses of sticks and straw with my brother and sister.
VOICEOVER: But that dream was about to be shattered by an unwanted intruder.
WOLF: Hello there, Pig.
PIG: Mr. Wolf!
VOICEOVER: Her world would never be the same again.
WOLF: Are you aware that you’ve been acting in breach of education authority guidelines?
PIG: I’m sorry?
WOLF: The latest legislation clearly states:
No animal which may potentially cause offence to any section of society may appear in a story intended to be read
to children.
PIG: But that’s discrimination!
WOLF: That’s the way it is. You’ve got two minutes to pack your bags and get out.
(CALLING) Okay, guys, you can move in.
F/X: HOOVES CLOPPING ON A STONE FLOOR.
PIG: Who are these people?
STRAW SHEEP: I’m the little sheep who built their house out of straw.
STICK SHEEP: I’m the little sheep who built their house out of sticks.
BRICK SHEEP: And I’m the little sheep who built their house out of bricks.
PIG: (SCREAMS)
VOICEOVER: When the nightmare comes knocking at your door, the only thing you can do is knock it back.
F/X: A SHOTGUN IS PUMPED.
PIG: The only houses that are going to get blown in around here are houses which are the property of pigs.
F/X: BLAST OF SHOTGUN BEING FIRED.
PIG: Take that, mutton!
VOICEOVER: Sometimes the only thing standing between tradition and insanity is a pig with a loaded gun.
Coming soon to a school near you: ‘Political Correctness: Gone Mad.’
Someone’s got to save our bacon.
