Wing & a Prayer Productions

 

The stage is darkened.  Coloured disco lights revolve around the stage.  The Consumer sits in a chair, bathed in a spotlight.  An empty chair sits opposite him.  Game show music plays.

 

Lloyd:    Welcome to tonight’s speed matching event.  In just a matter of minutes we will have you sorted out with your perfect life plan.  All you have to do is sit back and answer the questions.  When you hear this sound (He holds up a little bell and rings it) we move on to the next category. 

 

Lloyd rings the bell.  The other chair becomes bathed in a spotlight.

 

Right, move.

 

     Lloyd forces the Consumer into the other chair.

 

First category: Appearance.

 

Lloyd slips on a pair of shades.

 

Lloyd:    Would you like to be the epitome of cool?  Would you like to look as though you’ve just stepped off the pages of a style magazine?  Would you like to be the sort of person that models consult for fashion tips?

 

Consumer: I suppose so.

 

Lloyd pulls out a comb and slicks back his hair.

 

Lloyd:    Would you like to have your hair styled in such a way as to make Premiership footballers jealous?

 

Consumer: All right.

 

     Lloyd strips to the waist and poses.

 

Lloyd:    Would you like to have rippling biceps?

 

Consumer: Er, yes.

 

Lloyd:    (Thumping his stomach) Would you like to have chiselled abdominals?

 

Consumer: Okay.

 

     Lloyd drops to the floor and starts to do push ups.

 

Lloyd:    How about a cast iron chest?

 

Consumer: Yeah.

 

     Lloyd begins to do squat thrusts.

Lloyd:    Steel quad muscles?

 

Consumer: Uh huh.

 

Lloyd turns around and thrusts his bottom in the air.

 

Lloyd:    Buttocks like a pair of hard boiled eggs?

 

Consumer: Er, to be honest, I’m not so fussed about that.

 

     Lloyd sits up, disappointed.

 

Lloyd:    Oh.

 

He rings the bell.  The spotlight cuts to the other chair and Lloyd forces the Consumer across.

 

Next category: Work.  Do you want a job which unlocks the hidden potential of your innate abilities and talents?

 

Consumer: Yes.

 

Lloyd:    Do you want to have a job in which you’re successful?

 

Consumer: Yes, of course.

 

Lloyd:    Would you rather have a job that earns you lots of money or a job that earns you not so much money?

 

Consumer: Well, lots of money would obviously be better but...

 

Lloyd:    Naturally.  How about a company car?

 

Consumer: I wouldn’t complain.  Are you saying that you can get me-?

 

Lloyd:    Please, we’re on a very tight schedule.  I’ll ask the questions if you don’t mind.  If promotion is a possibility, would you do whatever it takes to get it?

 

Consumer: Well, I don’t know…

 

Lloyd:    Are you saying that you want to get left behind by the rest of the pack?  That you’d rather sit at the bottom while the others gallop up the staircase of success?

 

Consumer: No, but…

 

Lloyd:    So you’re saying that you’d do whatever it took to get promotion?

 

Consumer: I guess...

 

Lloyd:    Great.  What are your feelings on executive desk toys?

 

Consumer: Er…

 

Lloyd:    We may be able to throw one in for free, that’s why I ask.  (The Consumer is too dazed to answer)  I’ll put you down for one.

 

He rings the bell.  The spotlight cuts to the other chair.  Lloyd pushes the Consumer across.

 

Move on.  Next category: Leisure time.  Would you like to have plenty of leisure time, much deserved rest when you can put your feet up and enjoy the peace which you’ve earned yourself?

 

Consumer: Yes.

 

Lloyd:    Would you like your leisure time to be ring fenced?  Would you like nothing to be able break into your hallowed chill out nirvana?

 

Consumer: Yep.

 

Lloyd:    Would you like a rewarding, satisfying hobby, a hobby that stretches your intellect and creativity?

 

Consumer: Yes.

 

Lloyd:    Would you like to be able to have holidays abroad more than once a year?  Have exciting cultural experiences which broaden your horizons without challenging too many of the assumptions on which your world is built and leave you with unusual and exotic souvenirs which will collect dust in such a way as to be the envy of all your neighbours?

 

Consumer: Um, I guess so.

 

Lloyd:    Would you be interested in going halves on a time share property in the south of France?

 

Consumer: I beg your pardon?

 

Lloyd:    Sorry, that wasn’t one of the questions on the questionnaire.  I was asking purely out of self interest.

 

He rings the bell.  The light cuts on the chair and they shift across.

 

Move on.  Next category: Relationships.  Are you interested in the opposite sex?

 

Consumer: Yes.

 

Lloyd:    What about the same sex?

 

Consumer: No.

 

Lloyd:    Oh.  Would you like to be in love?

 

Consumer: Yes.

 

Lloyd:    Would you like a potential mate to be physically attractive?

 

Consumer: Yes.

 

Lloyd:    Would you like full opportunity to admire the physical form of the opposite sex?

 

Consumer: I’m not sure what-

 

Lloyd:    Yes or no?

 

Consumer: Well, yes.

 

Lloyd:    Would you like to feel that you were able to do whatever you liked in a relationship, that you weren’t restricted?

 

Consumer: Yes.

 

Lloyd:    Would you like to be sexually fulfilled whenever you feel the need?

 

Consumer: I suppose that might be nice.

 

Lloyd:    Wouldn’t it just?

 

Lloyd rings the bell.  The spotlight changes and they move across.

 

Right, move on.  Next category: Belief.  Would you subscribe to the belief that you’re basically a good person?

 

Consumer: Yeah, I think so.

 

Lloyd:    Would you be happy to say that everyone’s individual truth is all right for them as long as it doesn’t impose on your beliefs?

 

Consumer: Yes.

 

Lloyd:    As far as what you believe, are you fairly open as long as it doesn’t demand too much of you?

 

Consumer: Er…

 

Lloyd:    It’s not a difficult question.  Do you want to believe in some odd, outdated belief that is going to seriously cramp your lifestyle?

 

Consumer: No.

 

Lloyd:    Good.  So, you are open to any truth so long as it doesn’t demand too much of you?

 

Consumer: I suppose.

 

Lloyd:    Would you like to go to some sort of act of worship from time to time?  The object of this worship is fairly irrelevant as long as it leaves you with a warm fuzzy feeling inside and with the idea that you’ve spent your Sunday morning doing something vaguely worthy.

 

Consumer: Well, if I don’t have to go too often.

 

Lloyd:    Of course not.  Just Christmas, weddings and funerals.

         

Lloyd rings the bell.  The disco lights and music cut out.  The stage lights come up.  The Consumer looks dazed.

Lloyd:    Excellent.  Thank you for your time.  I think I’ve got the perfect package for you.

 

Consumer: So you’ve managed to take account of all the things I’ve said?

 

Lloyd:    Oh, yes.  I’m not saying we can satisfy all the preferences you’ve put down.  But I think, given that, you’ll be pleased with what we’ve got for you here.

 

Lloyd takes a sheet from his clipboard and hands it to the Consumer.

 

There you go.  Just hand this in to reception on your way out and they’ll sort you out with everything.  Have a nice life.

 

Lloyd turns to go.

 

Consumer: But what about me?

 

Lloyd:    Like I said, reception will sort you out. 

 

Consumer: That’s not what I mean.  This is all about my lifestyle choices.  It’s not about me.  Who am I?

 

Lloyd:    I think you’ll find yourself in there somewhere.

 

Lloyd starts walking away.

 

Consumer: Where?

 

Lloyd exits.  The lights fade.